I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Randomize