it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Randomize
