I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
