Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Randomize
