I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
