How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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