my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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