I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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