I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
this beer tastes like vomit already
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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