How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
