Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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