My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
