I wish they made helmets for livers.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
