Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
