the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Your tits are I can't wait for
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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