How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
