I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
