listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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