I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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