You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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