Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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