did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
