I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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