If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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