we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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