i love accidental penises.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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