Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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