i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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