How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
