i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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