Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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