So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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