for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
True strength comes from lack of pants
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
