There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
