How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
