i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize