the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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