I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
