Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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