He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
My liver just broke up with me...
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Let's get the cat blown out
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
