I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
We just shotgunned beers for America
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
