My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
