I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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