Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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