we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
