we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
