I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
