Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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