every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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