Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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