he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
