Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
