I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
