Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
