my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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