He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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