Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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