Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
