I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
He uses pillows to masturbate.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
