doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
