just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
