i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
