I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize