I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
she looked like the before picture.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
