Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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