I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
