I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Randomize
